A Proud Moment

Tony Parker is my new best friend; well, at least in my books, this makes us friends.  I have long held the belief that professional athletes get paid to be heckled; it's just part of their job description.  I kind of enjoy this part of the sport.  OK, I'll admit it, I think I am funny, and so I like it a lot.  Not long ago, Tony Parker totally shafted Eva Longoria (not Evan's twin sister (inside joke)).  So, at the Jazz game the other night, early in the game before the crowd is really into it, I yelled, "EVA."  Tony, nonchalantly, flipped me off!! A subtle, wave of the bird down by his leg.  It was pretty much awesome, and encouraged me to continue being obnoxious.

Public Service Announcement

I don't know how many of you suffer from "remote control dysfunction", but in our house this is a frequent problem. When watching TV in our bedroom the remote controlling the satellite has to be held at the perfect angle and position to be effective and if someone is on the right side of the bed, you are totally out of luck. FRUSTRATING!!!

If you experience these difficulties, I have the answer to solve your troubles. DO NOT point the remote towards the television, DO NOT point the remote towards the receiver, DO NOT point the remote towards the dish...DO point the remote against your body. Seriously, put the remote up to your chin, your chest, your leg (the fatty part works better), really just about anywhere. I know this sounds like a Crazy Witch Doctor Remedy, but if it works WHO CARES???

My sister, Larinda, tried this and was not as successful as I was. I had her try it while we were on the phone: Maybe her cell phone interfered, quite possibly she was doing it wrong, or maybe she isn't as magnetic as me.

This discovery may have just saved my marriage (studies show that disputes over the remote control are the leading cause of divorce). I wish you all the same success I have experienced.

Ridding the World of Pornography One Naked Picture at a Time

Last weekend, I went with my family to Las Vegas to attend The Offspring concert. Saturday afternoon we did a few of the typical Las Vegas things: saw the lions at the MGM, went to the M&M Factory, sampled the Cokes from Around World at the Coke Shop. After the Coke Shop we sat outside for a minute to decide what to do next. As I looked around, I saw several "playing cards" scattered all over the sidewalk. But these weren't your regular playing cards, these all had pictures of naked women accompanied with a phone # to call. I stood up and starting picking up the cards, Cassidy, in her best freak out voice, said "Mooommmm, what are you doing???" I continued to pick up all the cards in my area and throw them in the trash. I realize that there are still multi-thousands of pictures still lying on the streets of Vegas, but I can't help think "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

I Think I've Been Sexually Abused

Earlier today I went to have my toenails done. The sun is out, the weather is warm, it isn't going to rain for at least a week, it is time for cute toenails. When I arrive at the nail place there are 2 ladies just finishing with their nails, the wait is about 20 minutes. I have come prepared, so I sit down to enjoy a few minutes reading my book. I am totally minding my own business, engrossed in my book, when the lady drying her nails under the lights says, "Would you do me a favor?" She proceeds to ask me if I will reach into the back pocket of her tighty mom jeans and get her money out for her and I DO IT!!!